


of airpods, dry-erase markers, and (probable) vampires

by pinksunlight



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, And Stupid!, Anyways, But also not, Exams, Fluffy Ending, Humor, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan is a Little Shit, M/M, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Na Jaemin is Whipped, Roommates, Sweet Mark Lee (NCT), Vampires, bc that is relevant to this fic, best friends mark/renjun/hyuck/jaemin bc i can, jaemin spends this whole fic convincing his friends jeno is a vampire, like the clown he is, where is the tag for renjun and hyuck are twin demons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:15:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27274036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinksunlight/pseuds/pinksunlight
Summary: “Gremlins and Marks of the jury, allow me to present my case,” Jaemin pronounces, ready to out his roommate as a vampire. Shit, did this go against some sort of monster ally ethical code? Wait, fuck, why does he even care? He’s just trying not to die. He can only wear scarves around the house for so long until Jeno points out that it’s summer. Jaemin doesn’t evenlikescarves.“Jaemin, dude, you’ve really gotta stop tearing up on us,” Mark tells him carefully.“Shut up.”or, jaemin is convinced that his new roommate is a vampire.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 24
Kudos: 166





	of airpods, dry-erase markers, and (probable) vampires

Listen, Jaemin’s thought a lot about his eventual death.

Hear him out! It’s not like he’s completely obsessed with the idea of death and escaping from the throes of reality to find sweet relief in the blissful lands of the tuition-less and, to his knowledge, rent-free afterlife. Not at all. Even if it is a completely valid reason to crave death.

Mostly, it’s because he’s friends with one Lee Donghyuck (and, by default, become they come in a set like a pair of insufferable fucking airpods, Huang Renjun). Jaemin would need more than his fingers _and_ his toes to count the amount of times he’s been in a near death situation because of the two gremlins he benevolently chooses to call his friends.

So of course Jaemin’s thought about how he’s going to die.

Statistically, he had come to the conclusion that it would probably be some sort of inebriated accident that could’ve been prevented had Left Airpod and Right Airpod left him in peace in his tiny, broken down apartment.

And in a way, it turned out to be kind of true (he’s not acing his one statistics class for nothing), but also – not exactly.

What really happened was this:

Donghyuck had proposed a candidate for Jaemin’s roommate crisis which was, simply put, about the fact that he didn’t have one.

Seriously, he doesn’t know what he’ll do if the afterlife isn’t rent-free, he’s had enough homelessness scares for the rest of his life. 

He’d been dragged to a hole-in-the-wall bar against his will that Renjun, the budding alcoholic, had been dying to check out for weeks. This is where he learned two very, very sad things.

One, that it takes exactly 8 shots of tequila for Jaemin to start hanging on to every word coming out of Donghyuck’s mouth like they’re strokes of genius. And two, he was right about his death in an indirect kind of way, because what will _really_ be responsible for his death is his new Donghyuck appointed roommate who is most definitely a vampire and will most definitely suck him dry soon in the near future. 

The reasons don’t really matter at this point, but if Jaemin were to guess, he’d probably offer that he was being too annoying, or too clingy, or he just has the worst luck (and the worst friends) in the entire fucking universe.

The last one is a strong contender. But time will tell.

You know.

When Jaemin is dead. Because of his roommate.

The vampire.

“Jesus, Nana, how long has it been since you’ve gotten a good night’s sleep?” Mark is such an angel. Why the fuck couldn’t Jaemin have made more friends like him. Instead, he’s stuck with tweedle dum and tweedle dee. Life is just so unfair to him. What has he done to deserve such a cruel fate to begin with? “Woah, hey, are you gonna cry, dude?”

“No,” Jaemin sniffs viciously, aggressively rubbing his eyes with his sleeves. “And I’m not sleep deprived. You don’t understand, all the signs are there – I’m living with a bloodsucking vampire and none of you are even pretending to care!”

Renjun’s eyes widen and he kicks Jaemin’s thigh as he snaps his head to the closed door. Bitch. He’s so fucking bony, what the fuck. Jaemin almost starts not-crying again.

“Shut up,” Renjun hisses like a snake. Which is pretty on brand, in Jaemin’s opinion. “What if he has, like, super-hearing?”

Wait.

That’s almost, kind of a useful thing to say. Jaemin squints at the Renjun shaped lump lounging on his bed, wondering if he’s on something. There’s no other explanation for his newfound utility.

Donghyuck interrupts from his beanbag chair with a loud groan and smacks Renjun’s stomach, eliciting a fun cry of pain. It’s strangely therapeutic, and Jaemin calms down a bit. Beside Donghyuck, Mark winces.

“You,” Donghyuck points at Jaemin incriminatingly, “are absolutely fucking nuts. Peanuts, walnuts, the whole fucking family. And you –” he turns on Renjun now, “– stop feeding his crazy? I thought you were the smart one? If I have to sit here and listen to one more vampire-related allegation against Jeno, I’ll choke around all the bullshit you’re feeding me and die.”

“God,” Mark breathes out dreamily, “wouldn’t that be something.”

Donghyuck glares at him so murderously that Jaemin takes the time to mentally pat himself on the back for having 911 on speed dial. He always knew he’d need to save his only good friend's life after Donghyuck had nearly killed him in an uber for spilling his smoothie.

He takes a quick survey of his room. His friends are sprawled over in various states of attentiveness, staring at the ceiling (Renjun) or lecturing (Donghyuck) or having an out of body experience (from the looks of it, Mark – he tends to go to great lengths to avoid Donghyuck’s nagging whenever he can).

Jaemin had called them all back to his place after they’d finished exams this morning, so he figures he might as well put on a good show.

Under his bed, a whiteboard is calling his name, and honestly, if it takes using a dry-erase marker to give a very detailed recount of all the suspicious vampire behaviour Lee Jeno has been displaying ever since he moved in to convince his friends (other than Renjun, who is enough of a conspiracy theorist to believe Jaemin without a second thought, bless his small, black heart), then that’s what he’s going to do.

When he has everything set up, he turns back to his friends and loudly drills the marker against the whiteboard, making Renjun wince and nervously flick his eyes to the door yet again. Oh, right, _fuck_ – wait, was Jeno even home? Jaemin slaps his hand across his forehead and sighs. No. No, he wasn’t. He wasn’t there when they’d all come back to his place earlier in the day.

God, maybe he does deserve stupid friends. Birds of a feather and whatnot. 

“Gremlins and Marks of the jury, allow me to present my case,” Jaemin pronounces, ready to out his roommate as a vampire. Shit, did this go against some sort of monster ally ethical code? Wait, fuck, why does he even care? He’s just trying not to die. He can only wear scarves around the house for so long until Jeno points out that it’s summer. Jaemin doesn’t even _like_ scarves.

“Jaemin, dude, you’ve really gotta stop tearing up on us,” Mark tells him carefully.

“Shut up.”

☽✩☾

**OCCURRENCE #1: The Root Vegetable of the Devil.**

Jaemin likes to think that he’s a pretty good chef, if the fact that his friends are only still breathing because he cooks for them on the daily is anything to go by.

He knows food. He knows ingredients. And of course, by synthesis, he knows that Korean food in particular is no stranger to the wonders of garlic. It’s used in far too many dishes and Jaemin would complain that it compromises the diversity of the cuisine if it wasn’t for the fact that everything still managed to have its own, very wonderful, very distinct, taste.

Which is why he finds it just a tiny finger-licking bit suspicious that Lee Jeno avoids garlic like the plague.

They’re partaking in their weekly ritual of bringing Jaemin’s bank balance into the negatives (re: shopping for groceries) when Jaemin first notices it.

“Oh, perfect,” Jaemin puts a hand on the cart to stop Jeno and starts examining the garlic, rifling through the bulbs. “We ran out like a week ago and I’ve been experiencing withdrawal symptoms.”

When he’s gathered a good amount in his little plastic bag, he tosses everything without much thought into the upper basket of the cart. Jeno instantly lets go and moves away, ashen.

Sue Jaemin for being just a little bit wary.

“Are you… okay?”

“Yeah,” Jeno giggles – honest to god _giggles_ – nervously as he backs away from the cart slowly. “Yeah, no, I’m great. I just have a really bad garlic allergy? Like, super, super bad. Do you mind taking over the cart?”

Jaemin doesn’t push it. After all, garlic allergies aren’t uncommon. He thinks. Either way, exam season has started and he doesn’t have time to cram any information into his brain that doesn’t have to do with Sigmund “I’m unhinged but I get called a genius because I’m white” Freud.

But… an inkling of an idea still begins to form. Something to do with creatures of the night and sharp teeth and, okay, yes, Jaemin’s eventual demise. He doesn’t dwell on it.

A week later, Jaemin makes soup.

With garlic in it.

And then he leaves it out.

(The soup.)

(With garlic in it.)

And then, because fate has always been a little bitch to Jaemin, Jeno discovers said soup when Jaemin is studying in his room and presumably decides to have a little taste. What follows after is a very loud, “SHIT.”

Naturally, Jaemin is yanked out of his room straight to the kitchen where he only sees Jeno standing for a second before he’s pushing past Jaemin with his hands covering his face, running to the bathroom. As stupid as Jaemin can be sometimes, it doesn’t exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s happened.

He hurries to follow Jeno, who’s locked himself in, and knocks frantically on the door. “Jeno, should I be calling someone or doing something?! I’m really sorry, I should’ve told you about the soup oh my god, are you okay? Do you keep an epipen in there?”

“Uh, don’t worry about it.” Jeno’s voice is thick. Jaemin is probably going to be tried for first degree murder. “An epipen. Right. Yes, I keep one here. It’s in the, ah, pen… holder?”

Something’s not right with that sentence, but Jaemin doesn’t have the energy to nitpick. He runs to the kitchen to get a glass of water, grabs his study things from his room, and sinks down in front of the bathroom with his back against the door.

“Okay, well, I have some water for you, whenever you decide to come out.” He hears a surprised noise on the other side but no other response, so he turns back to his textbook and starts creating an outline on the Triangular Theory of Love.

From then on, Jaemin takes to leaving a stack of post-it notes in the kitchen for the sole purpose of identifying which foods have garlic in them and which don’t.

☽✩☾

“Oh,” is all Mark says.

Donghyuck, on the other hand is sporting a conniving smile (to be honest though, on his face, it’s just a smile). They look at each other while Jaemin watches in mild offense, and after communicating through their soulmate bond or some shit like that, Mark turns back to Jaemin and repeats, emphatically, “ _Oh_.”

Like he wants Jaemin to admit something.

What is he, a cop?

Meanwhile, Renjun is on the edge of his seat. Jaemin grasps the back of his neck and looks straight into his eyes, only feeling a little like a crazed animal with rabies. “Was I right or was I right? Don’t even try to fucking tell me he isn’t a vampire.”

Renjun nods, wide-eyed, and then yelps when Donghyuck throws a stray sock at him. Mark, sensing a fight, pulls Donghyuck into his lap, at which he immediately goes pliant. It’s disgusting and unconstitutional (according to the custom constitution Renjun has made solely for instances like this so that Mark and Donghyuck can’t be disgusting in public). Jaemin kind of wants to throw up.

Donghyuck wiggles his eyebrows at Jaemin suggestively.

Again, the nausea is overwhelmingly real.

“I think I’ve figured out why you seem so obsessed with this idea of Jeno being a vampire.” Donghyuck grins. Jaemin narrows his eyes. Did his teeth somehow get sharper? Maybe _Donghyuck_ ’ _s_ the vampire. It would explain so much. “Actually, I think it has less to do with the fact that you think he’s gonna suck your blood and more with the fact that he hasn’t sucked your d-”

Mark clamps a hand over Donghyuck’s mouth and laughs awkwardly, “Okay! That was nice! You know what, I want to hear more of your proof. Enlighten me, Nana.”

Donghyuck pries Mark’s hand away and turns to look at him, bewildered. Renjun lights up, inching forward on the bed again to listen attentively.

Jaemin only hears Mark muttering something about “ _working through his emotions_ ” before he’s furiously attacking the whiteboard again.

☽✩☾

**OCCURRENCE #2: Avoiding The Sun Like He Gets Paid To Do It.**

Every time Jaemin asks Jeno to casually hang out, he refuses.

Now, while Jaemin isn’t one to beg for attention (any and all of Renjun's protests to that statement are to be voided), he has a special case on his hand. He needs to stick to Jeno if he’s planning on discovering his supernatural secret, for science.

As scientists do, Jaemin starts taking note of his specimen’s behaviour, and he spots a pattern. Whenever Jaemin asks Jeno to go out during the day – to a café, the gym, to take a walk – Jeno usually turns him down. Hesitantly, like he doesn’t want to hurt Jaemin (or doesn’t want him to catch on the fact that he’s not exactly human…).

Admittedly, it may have something to do with the fact that they’re both preparing for next week, when exams finally start. But everyone needs a break from time to time, right?

Even odder than Jeno’s aversion to going out are his ritualistic tendencies when they do go out. It’ll either be at night when, for the most part, Jaemin wants to make a convenience store run because he’s craving cheese slices (no further elaboration will be given). On the off chance that it’s during the day, Jeno will spend a ridiculous amount of time slathering buckets of sunscreen across his skin only to end up putting a full sleeve t-shirt over it.

In the middle of summer.

Yeah, and Donghyuck calls Jaemin nuts.

Popping his head into Jeno’s room to ask if he wants to get some fresh air as a break from studying is routine by now, but Jaemin is always surprised when Jeno says yes. Statistically, there’s like a 0.7% of it happening, so it’s not baseless surprise.

(Should Jaemin switch majors? Maybe math is his one true calling after all.)

Half an hour later, they’re out of the apartment and strolling lazily through the streets. Jaemin can’t help but notice how fidgety Jeno is; he’s constantly looking around at everyone like they’re a different species. Which, again, may be true. Who knows? Not Jaemin.

He reaches for Jeno’s slimy, sunscreen coated wrist and asks, “Is something bothering you?”

Jeno stares at the place Jaemin’s holding him and swallows. Jaemin hopes he doesn’t end this walk with less blood in his body than when he started it.

“I’m fine. Swell. This is nice, great.”

Who even says swell anymore? It’s not cute. Not even a little. In fact, it only adds to Jaemin’s theory:

_~~Vampire?~~ _

_OLD vampire?_

It’s a work in progress.

“Okay, if you say so,” Jaemin responds dubiously. He’s still thinking over the implications of Jeno possibly belonging to the 1900s when suddenly, he’s being guided to a nearby shady bench, Jeno’s fingers circled around his wrist like a bracelet.

“Mind if we sit for a bit?”

“I was getting tired anyways,” Jaemin lies, shooting his roommate a reassuring smile. Mostly because Jeno hasn’t let go of him yet and he’s wondering if he can feel how fast his blood is pumping. From the fear, of course.

Jeno gives him that stupid eye-smile and relaxes into the bench, practically melting into the wood. It’s probably the most relaxed he’s looked since they’ve been out. Around them, the crowd seems to have thinned.

A comfortable silence overtakes them in which Jaemin busies himself with noting how impeccably beautiful Jeno’s fingernails are, and then tracking his general physique and coming to the conclusion that Jeno, himself, is impeccably beautiful.

In a very inhumane way.

Not unlike many _vampires_ , if pop culture is anything to go by.

Oh, Jaemin’s got this one in the fucking bag.

☽✩☾

This time, it’s Renjun who, quite dejectedly, goes, “Oh.”

Great. Okay. Jaemin gets it. All his friends know the fifteenth letter of the alphabet. What do they want from him? A medal?

“Why aren’t you guys _listening to me_?” Jaemin cries in agony, confused to the point of wanting to tear his hair out. It’s so fucking obvious and Mark “I carry a clove of garlic in my sock because my grandma is superstitious” Lee isn’t even _curious_.

Donghyuck’s the farthest thing from being a functioning human being so Jaemin is willing to let his apathy slide. But Renjun? Renjun who called them all out at 5 in the fucking morning because he thought he saw a UFO? It doesn’t matter that it turned out to be a pizza box that some kid had thrown out of their window like the environmental menace they probably were, Renjun never stopped believing.

And yet, even with Jaemin’s hard proof, he’s just. Sitting there.

Donghyuck sighs like it pains him to do so. “Hey. Hey, dumbass. Look at me, bitch.” He snaps his fingers until Jaemin finally looks. “Your obsession with Jeno? Yeah, it goes a lot farther than just him being a vampire. Do you understand? Tell me you understand.”

Jaemin blinks. Of course he understands.

“Of course I understand.” Donghyuck finally smiles, seemingly relieved. “It’s about my imminent death.”

There's a pause in which Donghyuck's smile drops, his eye twitches. Mark makes the sign of the cross. 

“I’ll kill you!” Donghyuck screeches, lunging towards Jaemin only to be held back by Renjun’s hand on the collar of his shirt.

Jaemin sinks to the floor and cradles his dry erase markers. Maybe if he sniffs them long enough, he’ll die from the toxic fumes. It’s probably a better way to go than being drained like a fleshy pouch of Kool-Aid.

Despite looking incredibly deflated, Renjun catches his eye and gives him a smile. Out of pity? Probably. Whatever. He risks a glance at Donghyuck, who’s shaking his head in warning, and then gives Jaemin an almost warm look.

“I’m almost convinced, Jaem. Go ahead.”

Mark groans.

With renewed hope growing inside of him, Jaemin jumps up, gathers his wits, and uncaps his marker.

This time. This time, for sure.

☽✩☾

**OCCURRENCE #3: No Human Is This Polite, Not Even If They’re Asian.**

They’re roommates.

That much has been clear from the beginning, yes? So why, pray tell, does Jeno always (and Jaemin does mean always) ask for his permission before entering his room?

(Yes, Jaemin knows vampires usually have a problem with entering _homes_ without invitation, but they _live_ together. Jaemin’s room is like a home within a home anyways.)

The first few times, Jaemin gathers it’s due to the fact that they’re both practically strangers. But the eighth time it happens, Jaemin is starting to get suspicious. After all, he likes to think that they’ve become kind of friends – as dangerous as it may be to befriend a hypothetical vampire.

He doesn’t understand why Jeno is always stopping short at his door, two feet firmly planted outside, never crossing over into his room until Jaemin answers his query with an affirmation.

(“Hey, can I come in?”)

(“Hm.”)

(“What are you doing? Is it okay if I join?”)

(“Yeah, sure.”)

(“My room is really cold.”)

(“Really? We should get that looked at. Chill here for now. Hah. _Chill_.”)

This is by far the most incriminating evidence he has against Jeno, and he comes to what he’s heard is referred to as a “diagnosis of exclusion”. There’s no solid proof that Jeno is 100% human and no plausible explanation for his vampire-like qualities. Case opened and closed. 

He piles the information at the very top of all the other Jeno-related happenings in his mental evidence drawer. He spends a lot of time collecting stuff for that drawer, actually.

Science sure is demanding.

The strange thing is that Jeno’s tentative countenance leaves as soon as he’s got a foot in Jaemin’s door. From then on, it’s easy for Jaemin to think that they’re friends. They chat and laugh and watch stupid videos and overall have a good time, even if Jaemin can’t stop looking at Jeno’s mouth.

Only because he keeps noticing that Jeno rarely smiles with all his teeth. That’s it. It’s a shame, because Jeno has a really nice smile, but it’s also a cause for suspicion. What’s he got to hide behind those pretty pink lips? Fangs? It’s not unlikely.

To be honest, Jaemin spends all too much time in proximity of Jeno despite his obvious reservations. It’s classic self-sabotage, if his major has taught him anything. Jaemin has no qualms about welcoming death with open arms, or in this case, an open shoulder.

It begins with the two of them on the couch, watching TV because final exams are to start the day after and Jeno has decided that they both needed a break.

Starting out innocently enough, Jaemin doesn’t really pay attention to the gap between them, or the way it’s slowly lessening. What finally brings him to attention is the weight settling slowly onto his shoulder. His fight or flight senses instantly activate. A natural response to a predator, if Jaemin is to consider himself prey.

And he does. Why else would he be so damn nervous?

Jeno’s head is on his shoulder. Near his neck. Where he could easily be attacked. His heart is beating fast and his palms are sweaty and he’s wondering if Jeno can tell but it’s all because Jaemin genuinely might die soon. On the plus side, he won’t have to take any exams. On the minus side, everything else.

Jaemin doesn’t move, however (this is where the self-sabotage part comes in). Instead, he shifts so that Jeno can be more comfortable and they continue watching in silence. Jeno’s scent overwhelms his senses, sweet undercut with something sharp and potent. His breath tickles Jaemin’s skin.

It’s intoxicating.

Certainly not like anything a human would –

☽✩☾

“ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELF?” Donghyuck springs out of Mark’s lap like some sort of psychotic kangaroo and, in record time, snatches Jaemin’s marker out of his hand, backs him up against the wall, and holds it up to his throat like it’s a sword.

There’s a lesson here somewhere.

Jaemin thinks it’s probably to get some new friends.

“Hyuck,” Mark calls, exasperated.

“The sexual tension in this room is astronomically high,” Renjun deadpans, eyes flicking between Donghyuck and Jaemin.

Jaemin wants to hit him so bad. So bad.

“You’re delusional. Absolutely, positively, thinking a pizza box is a UFO kind of delusional.” Donghyuck presses the marker harder and Jaemin wonders if he’s just fated to die of neck-related injuries.

“It was dark, you non-believer,” Renjun spits from the bed. Mark sends him a look of consolation.

“Jeno isn’t a vampire. And you only think he is because you’ve got a CRUSH. A CRUSH, JAEMIN. You dragged me here at – ”

He snaps in Mark’s direction, who checks his watch begrudgingly and says, “10.”

“– 10 in the morning to tell me about a poorly disguised crush? No, _no_ , let go of me, Mark. I always knew I’d end up committing homicide one day, this is just destiny playing out.”

Jaemin’s life flashes before his eyes as the marker falls away and Donghyuck is wrestled away in Mark’s arms, his hands still outstretched like he’s ready to claw at Jaemin’s throat.

Renjun beckons him to come closer, clearly not understanding that Jaemin is still recovering from a near-death experience, but he complies anyways. He sits down on the edge of the bed and rubs gingerly at his throat.

“Hey buddy,” Renjun sounds like he’s talking to a wounded animal.

“But the signs are all there,” Jaemin whispers pathetically. A crush? Wouldn’t Jaemin know if he had a crush? Donghyuck is insane. Then again, what’s new.

“I know, I know, shh,” Renjun pulls Jaemin’s head to his tiny chest and aggressively pats his hair. “Sometimes we make up the signs. Just because we want to. That has to have shown up somewhere on your psych exams, right?”

“I don’t remember,” Jaemin mumbles, forlorn. “I haven’t slept in three days.”

“This is exactly why I asked you that question from the very beginning,” Mark rubs a hand over his face, resigned. He’s gotten Donghyuck to calm down, Mark now sitting in his lap while Donghyuck’s chin rests over his shoulder, eyes closed. Jaemin feels a little guilty. Just a tad.

Renjun continues, “Whatever, it’s okay. You should probably talk to him, though? I know it’s not really your thing, but it’s better than driving yourself crazy. Jeno can’t possibly be a vampire but he does seem just as interested – ”

“Vampire?”

Jaemin freezes. Renjun’s arms fall away from his frame and he uses the mobility to twist around slowly, only to see none other than Lee Jeno standing in his doorframe, his feet perched perfectly outside the room.

Right. Sure. Why not?

Jaemin’s starting to feel a little dizzy but he shoots a half-panicked look at his friends. Unfortunately, Donghyuck looks to be asleep and Mark and Renjun are staring at his roommate in shock.

Jeno chuckles nervously, cutting into the silence. And right when Jaemin is about to say something, _anything_ his little monkey brain can think of to ensure that his roommate continues paying rent, Jeno cracks the door open a little wider and, with a funny, close-lipped smile, says, “Hah. Guess there’s no point in hiding it now.”

Okay.

The last thing Jaemin remembers before the world goes black is Renjun screaming bloody murder and Mark pulling garlic from his sock and lugging it at record-breaking speeds right in Jeno’s face.

Jaemin wakes up to too many voices.

“Do we call an ambulance? This is why I keep telling my therapist I’m physically incapable of walking into a group of people and just talking to them. Does he even have insurance?” Undoubtedly Jeno, admittedly much more panicked than usual. 

“What the fuck are you? An adult?” Donghyuck’s voice says at the same time Renjun asks, “Life or health?”

“Health! Obviously health!” Jeno cries, sounding very much like he’s trying to convince himself. Jaemin wants to reassure him that he’s alive and well, and then he remembers that he can.

“Guys, shut up. He’s waking up.”

Jaemin blinks groggily as faces swim into his vision, his other senses still catching up to his hearing. His friends hover over him, concern visible on their faces. Even Donghyuck, and that’s pretty nice seeing as he was about to murder Jaemin a while ago.

He finally focuses on a fourth face and it only takes a few seconds to register that it’s Jeno. A slow, dopey smile starts creeping onto his face. This is so nice, Jaemin wants to wake up to his friends more often. His two favourite airpods, Lee Mark, and Jeno, his vampire roommate.

Wait.

Jaemin’s smile drops and he’s springing up in his bed immediately, consequently knocking noggins with the very person he’s trying to stay away from.

“Mark, throw more garlic at him!” Jaemin screams in a last-ditch attempt to live. “I have embarrassingly mixed feelings about him sucking my blood and I’d readily die in a lot of moods but confused isn’t one of them!”

“Okay, we’ll talk about _that_ later,” Mark says warily, “but for now, you’ve gotta calm down, dude. Let him explain.”

And that’s how Jaemin is presented with a very short, very rational list of things about Lee Jeno.

1: He was just joking about being a vampire because things were getting awkward, and he didn’t really know what to say.

2: He didn’t really know what to say because, as it turns out, Jeno is a fairly social anxious kid. And Jaemin, who is en route to becoming a clinical psychologist, has not been able to tell. At all.

He asks questions to clarify every step of the way.

(“But my room. You always ask before entering my room.”)

(“I just didn’t want to intrude, I thought I was being annoying. It’s better to be overly polite than annoying.”)

(“Well… what about when you smile? You never smile with your teeth. You’re not hiding fangs?”)

(“Uh, no? I used to wear braces and was really self-conscious of my smile so it’s just a habit I haven’t been able to break, I guess.”)

(“You never go out with me and – and you wear too much sunscreen.”)

(“Jaemin, I really like hanging out with you but big crowds and being surrounded by people energizes you and I’m not really… I’m still working on that. Also, I burn really easily.”)

(“Oh. Um. The garlic thing?”)

(“I really am allergic! I just look really terrible when I react to it. Like, really, really terrible. Red patches and swollen lips and to be honest, the thought of anyone seeing me like that makes me really nervous. Especially you.”)

So, Jeno isn’t a vampire.

It still doesn’t explain a lot, like why Jaemin’s heartrate is spiking through the roof right now when Jeno’s just looking at him, eyes soft and smile softer. That’s not a very normal reaction to someone looking at you. Maybe Jaemin’s the vampire.

Or.

OR.

Oh no.

He looks at his friends and goes, “Oh no.”

Donghyuck picks up the dry erase marker and throws it at him, albeit weakly, since he still looks considerably sleepy, “No shit, sherlock. What have we been trying to tell you this entire time?”

Mark, thankfully, seems to read the room and he shoots Renjun a look, who nods once and waves before ambling out of the room.

“We’ll leave you two to it. Jaemin, buddy, I’m begging you to use your big boy words.” Mark takes Donghyuck’s hand and squeezes it once, “Baby, say bye. I’ll take you home after.”

“For cuddles?”

“Unconstitutional!” Renjun warns from somewhere outside the room.

Jeno turns to look at Jaemin, eyebrows scrunched together in an adorably confused way and oh, there goes Jaemin’s heart again. He swallows the need to tell Jeno he’s the cutest boy on the face of the earth and instead just smiles in a sometimes-my-friends-call-displays-of-affection-unconstitutional kind of way. He’s not sure if it translates, but Jeno still smiles back.

Mark flushes and nods, prompting Donghyuck to shoot the two of them a suspiciously bright (very much awake) smile, bid his goodbyes and pull Mark out of the room.

And then they’re alone.

Just an hour ago, Jaemin would probably be freaking out about it. He’s still freaking out, he just knows _why_ now (and no, it doesn’t have any roots in the supernatural realm).

“So,” Jaemin blurts out before he can stop himself, “I’m pretty sure I like you. Especially now that I know you’re not a vampire.” He pauses, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “To be honest though, I was unbelievably impartial to your being a vampire. Maybe even a little into it.”

“Oh?”

“But enough about that! Sorry for, uh, thinking you were a creature of the dead.” Jaemin coughs, fiddling with the bedsheets.

Jeno stares at him in surprise for a moment before letting out a laugh of disbelief and running his hand through his hair. God, it’s hot. Jeno’s got an attractive hairline too. Is that a weird thing to be attracted to? Jaemin thinks it’s a little weird, but Lee Jeno just makes him a little weird.

“You’re forgiven, mostly because I, ah, I like you too. A lot, actually? Enough to risk potentially dying from garlic. Just to be clear, this isn’t some sort of prank, right?” Jeno’s voice gets small towards the end and Jaemin knows the right thing to do is address his worries first, but it’s really hard not to shriek _YOU CAN DIE FROM YOUR ALLERGY?!_

He’s never buying garlic again. If his taste buds eventually die, so be it. As long as Jeno stays alive. 

“Jeno, you may pay to live in this apartment, but you live rent-free in my head. It’s ridiculous, actually. Even if this was a prank, which it’s not, it would be the shittiest one in the world.” Jaemin carefully reaches to hold his hand and smiles when their fingers intertwine.

Jeno gets a pretty pink dusting on his cheeks and bites his lip, “Okay. Alright. Um, thanks. The thing is though, that I’m a sort of a mess? I only started therapy a week before I moved in and I’m still working on a lot of things and I honestly would’ve never told you I like you because I don’t know if you’ll be okay with… me, I guess.”

Jeno is just so genuine it kind of hurts.

“Jeno, I fooled myself into believing you were a vampire because I couldn’t handle having feelings for you. I think it’s safe to say that I’m just as much of a mess in my own way as you are in yours. Just so you know, though, nothing about you makes you hard to like. I’ll always be okay with every version of you, it’s only right.” Jaemin inhales, calming his nerves, and then smiles at Jeno in the kindest and sincerest way he can manage. “So, one mess to another, do you think we can go on a date sometime? I’ll make sure it’s lowkey and we don’t eat anything with garlic in it, and we can do it at night.”

Jeno smiles with all his teeth, and Jaemin finally sees that no, Lee Jeno hasn’t been hiding fangs behind his pretty pink lips this entire time. It’s still a pretty incredible sight. “From one mess to another?”

Jaemin nods.

“I’d love to.”

On their third date, they order in pizza and, upon spotting Renjun walking past their building on the street, Jaemin convinces Jeno to throw the pizza box out the window, assuring that Renjun will dispose of it when it's discovered. 

Renjun starts yelling in excitement and pulls out his phone, Jaemin getting a barrage of texts in all-caps only moments later screaming about UFO sightings and _I’M TELLING YOU IT WAS REAL THIS TIME LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW YOU MIGHT SEE IT_. He doesn’t reply to any of them, but he does stare fondly at Jeno, who laughs until he’s got tears coming out of his eyes.

Jaemin thinks a little less about his eventual death these days, instead opting to think about the long life he has ahead of him.

And if he thinks really, really, hard, he can see Jeno through the years, right by his side.

(Growing old, because Jaemin has learned that Lee Jeno is many wonderful things, but an immortal being is not one of them.)

**Author's Note:**

> i had a lot of fun writing this. it's hard to be funny. i hope this kind of made u do a little nose exhale u know? 
> 
> also isn't it weird that in so many fics everyone's names will be (last name) (first name) but mark's name will be (first name) (last name). like it's almost an unconscious act to write mark lee. even the ao3 tag system does it skljfldjk i did it in this fic too out of necessity for one part. 
> 
> idk i think it's cute. anyways. stay safe and healthy
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/punksunlight)


End file.
